Not all bad behavior looks like yelling, cheating, or dramatic fights. Sometimes, it shows up quietly—in the little dismissals, subtle power plays, or emotional neglect you’ve learned to tolerate in the name of “keeping the peace.” You tell yourself this is just how relationships are, or they don’t mean it like that, but deep down, something never feels quite right.
When mistreatment is consistent and subtle, it starts to feel familiar. And familiarity has a sneaky way of feeling like love, even when it’s slowly eroding your self-worth. If you’ve ever second-guessed your needs or made excuses for your partner’s behavior, here are 15 signs you may be normalizing things that aren’t healthy—or loving.
1. They Make Jokes At Your Expense
In a detailed analysis by TalktoAngel, the effects of teasing on adolescent mental health are explored, showing how persistent teasing, especially when it targets insecurities, can lead to anxiety, depression, social withdrawal, and long-term emotional distress. The article emphasizes that what might be dismissed as “just a joke” can have serious psychological consequences, undermining confidence and well-being over time.
Over time, this chips away at your confidence. You learn to laugh along to avoid tension, but inside, the hurt stacks up. Constantly being the butt of the joke is not humor—it’s humiliation disguised as playfulness.
2. They Dismiss Your Feelings Instead Of Listening
When you’re upset, they don’t try to understand. They roll their eyes, change the subject, or tell you you’re being dramatic. Emotional conversations become impossible because your needs are always “too much.”
You start silencing yourself just to avoid conflict. And when your pain is repeatedly invalidated, you begin to doubt your own experiences. That’s not love—it’s emotional erasure.
3. They Criticize You More Than They Compliment You
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According to a study published in PLOS ONE, criticism—especially when perceived as hostile—can lead to negative emotional reactions such as feelings of hurt and relational distancing, particularly when it comes from close partners. The study highlights that individuals who perceive their romantic partners as more critical tend to experience greater emotional distance, which can harm relationship satisfaction and stability. This research underscores how frequent criticism without balanced positive feedback can turn relationships into stressful dynamics rather than supportive partnerships.
They’re quick to point out what you forgot, messed up, or could’ve done better—but slow to acknowledge your effort or praise what’s good. Their words often land like corrections, not connections
4. They “Forget” Important Details About You
Your favorite drink, that story you’ve told three times, the date of your big presentation—they never seem to remember. You brush it off as them being busy, distracted, or “not great with details.”
But when someone truly values you, they make space for what matters to you. Forgetfulness becomes emotional neglect when it happens over and over. You deserve to be remembered.
5. They Act Different Around Other People
At home, they’re distant or critical. In public, they’re attentive and charming. You feel like you’re in a relationship with two different people, depending on the audience. Research from Verywell Mind explains that people who act differently around others compared to how they behave in private often exhibit “splitting,” a psychological defense mechanism common in borderline personality disorder. This leads to seeing people or situations in extremes, such as being charming and attentive in public but distant or critical in private, which can cause confusion and doubt in their partners.
This split makes you question your reality. When others praise them, it makes you wonder if you’re the problem. But masks can’t hidethe truth forever—and you know what happens behind closed doors.
6. They Never Apologize
As noted in a study published by Frontiers in Psychology, sincere apologies that involve genuine recognition of fault evoke feelings of guilt, remorse, and responsibility, which are crucial for emotional repair. In contrast, instrumental apologies—those made to avoid punishment or social rejection—tend to provoke anger and feelings of being injured, reflecting a lack of true accountability. Even when they hurt you, they refuse to take accountability. If they say “sorry,” it’s rushed, defensive, or followed by a but. You’re left holding the emotional labor of repair.
Real apologies involve responsibility, change, and care. Without that, it’s not forgiveness they want—it’s a reset that doesn’t cost them anything. And over time, you stop expecting resolution at all.
7. They Make You Feel Guilty For Needing Space
You ask for a night to yourself, a weekend with friends, or just a few hours of quiet, and suddenly they’re sulking or passive-aggressive. Your autonomy is met with suspicion, not support.
As explained by therapists at Space to Reflect, feeling guilty for needing space in a relationship is a common experience, but it is important to recognize that needing time apart is natural and necessary for healthy partnerships. Open communication and setting boundaries help partners support each other’s individuality without guilt or resentment.
8. They Undermine Your Decisions And Ideas
You share a new goal, and they subtly shoot it down. You make a choice, and they question it or suggest a “better” way. Their doubt is constant, even when it’s wrapped in a smile.
It’s not about collaboration—it’s control dressed as concern. Over time, you stop trusting yourself. But partnership shouldn’t feel like a debate you keep losing.
9. They Keep Score Instead Of Offering Support
You forgot to do something once—and they bring it up for the next six months. Every mistake is tallied. Every favor becomes a transaction.
You start feeling like a contestant, not a companion. True support isn’t conditional. And love shouldn’t feel like a ledger.
10. They Blame Their Bad Behavior On Stress
They snap at you, go cold, or say hurtful things—then blame work, hormones, or a “bad day.” But the damage is real, and the apologies rarely come with change.
You start tiptoeing around their moods, managing their emotions, just to keep things calm. But their feelings don’t excuse cruelty. Everyone gets stressed. Not everyone lashes out.
11. They Compare You To Other People
Whether it’s an ex, a friend, or even a stranger, they casually mention how someone else “handles things better” or “looks great for their age.” It feels like a jab masked as conversation.
These comparisons chip away at your self-esteem. You start feeling like you’re always one step behind someone else. But love shouldn’t come with a measuring stick.
12. They Make You Feel Like You’re Dramatic
When you’re excited, they tell you to tone it down. When you’re sad, they say you’re being dramatic. Somehow, your emotions are always the wrong size.
This erodes your sense of self over time. You shrink to fit their comfort zone. But in a healthy relationship, you don’t need to be edited.
13. They Withhold Affection As A Form of Control
They give you love when things are good, but withdraw it when they’re upset. Affection becomes conditional. You start chasing their approval just to feel close again.
This isn’t just moodiness—it’s manipulation. Love isn’t a reward you earn. It’s a consistent presence you deserve.
Abisola is a communication specialist with a background in language studies and project management. She believes in the power of words to effectively connect with her audience and address their needs. With her strong foundation in both language and project management, she crafts messages that are not only clear and engaging but also aligned with strategic goals. Whether through content creation, storytelling, or communication planning, Abisola uses her expertise to ensure that her messages resonate and deliver lasting value to her audience.
