You might think you’re a great friend, kind, supportive, and always showing up. But there are subtle, under-the-radar behaviors that quietly erode trust, connection, and emotional safety—and you might not even realize you’re doing them. The worst part? They’re not the big betrayals—it’s the small stuff that adds up and makes people question whether you’re someone they can truly count on.
Here’s the truth: if you’re doing these 13 things, you’re not the friend you think you are. And it’s time to change that.
1. You Always Manage To Make It About You
You think you’re empathizing, but every time your friend shares something, you pivot: “Oh my God, same here!” or “That happened to me too, but worse!” It’s not intentional, but you turn their vulnerability into a launchpad for your own story. As confirmed by a detailed longitudinal study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, narcissistic rivalry—characterized by selfish and antagonistic behaviors—leads to less positive and more negative experiences in friendships, including lower appreciation and intimacy, which causes friends to feel undervalued and stop sharing openly.
Being a good friend means holding space for their moment, not hijacking it for your own. And if they stop opening up, this is why.
2. You Flake, Despite Always Having A “Good Reason”
Life gets busy, sure. But when you cancel plans again because of work, family, or just being “too tired,” it sends a message: your friend is an afterthought. Even if your reasons are legit, it chips away at trust, and soon, they’ll stop inviting you at all.
Being a good friend isn’t about showing up when it’s convenient—it’s about showing up when you said you would.
3. You’re Only Around When They’re Thriving
You’re there for the celebrations, the trips, the wins—but when they’re down, you ghost. You tell yourself you’re “giving them space,” but deep down, you just don’t want to deal with the heavy stuff. That inconsistency quietly screams, “I’m a fair-weather friend.”
According to Verywell Mind, fair-weather friends are those who are present during good times but disappear when things get tough, highlighting that true friendship means being there through both celebrations and challenges.
4. You Subtly Undermine Their Highs
“Oh, you got that job? Must be nice to have connections.” “You’re lucky you don’t have to deal with real stress.” You frame their success as circumstantial instead of earned, and you probably don’t even realize you’re doing it. But they do—and it makes them question whether you’re really in their corner.
A good friend amplifies the win. They don’t chip away at it with backhanded comments.
5. You Never Ask About Their Life First
The conversation starts, and it’s all you: your day, your struggles, your updates. You don’t ask how they’re doing until they’ve been sitting there, politely waiting for their turn. Research published in the journal Communication Research Reports reveals that the quality of friendship and the way friends verbally respond to each other during conversations significantly affect how supported they feel.
The best friends make space for each other, not just themselves. And if you’re not making that space, they feel it.
6. You Give “Tough Love” When They Need Support
You pride yourself on being honest, but sometimes your honesty cuts too deep. When your friend is vulnerable, you offer solutions instead of support or critique when they just need comfort. You think you’re helping—but what they hear is, “You’re not enough.”
Not every moment calls for a reality check. Sometimes, they just need you to be on their side.
7. You Flirt With Their Partner Or Ex
You tell yourself it’s just playful banter, no big deal—but every time you compliment their partner a little too much or slide into their ex’s DMs, you’re crossing an unspoken line. Your friend may not call you out, but the trust quietly fractures. They start wondering if you’re the kind of person who respects loyalty, or someone who sees their relationships as fair game.
As noted by HelpGuide.org, maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships—including friendships—helps strengthen trust and respect by clearly defining what behaviors are acceptable.
8. You Never Follow Up When They Tell You Something Important
They tell you about the scary doctor’s appointment, the big interview, or the family drama—and you never check back in. It might seem small, but it sends a loud message: “What matters to you isn’t on my radar.” You’re not a bad person, but you’re showing up like a bad friend.
A simple “Hey, how did that go?” can mean the world. And not asking? That means something, too.
9. You Use Their Struggles As A Conversation Topic
You think it’s harmless—you’re just venting, or sharing, or “processing.” But when you discuss their struggles with people who aren’t part of the solution, you’re betraying their trust. Even if it’s subtle, they will feel it’s a violation they will feel.
Loyalty is a quiet currency in friendship. And if you’re spending it casually, they’ll notice.
10. You Always Have To Be Right
Every disagreement becomes a debate. You can’t let them have a different opinion without arguing, correcting, or proving your point. It’s exhausting—and it makes them feel small.
Friendship isn’t a competition. And if you’re more interested in winning than understanding, you’re slowly pushing them away.
11. You Assume They’ll Always Forgive You
You think they’ll always get over it—that they have to, because you’re close. So you apologize half-heartedly, or sometimes not at all, assuming the friendship will bounce back no matter what. That entitlement erodes trust more than any fight ever could.
No one owes you endless chances. And one day, they won’t give you another.
12. You Make Every Crisis About How *You* Feel
They come to you with a problem, and you immediately spiral into how it affects you. You’re not trying to be selfish, but it shifts the emotional focus onto your feelings instead of holding space for theirs. That emotional re-centering leaves them feeling unseen in the moments they need you most.
Being a good friend means being the anchor, not the main character. And if you can’t do that, they’ll stop coming to you.
13. You Find It Hard To Embrace Their Joy
When they share a win, you respond with, “That’s great, but…” or you downplay it because it doesn’t feel that big to you. You’re not trying to diminish their joy, but it lands that way. Over time, they stop sharing the good stuff because it feels like it has to pass through your filter first.
A true friend lets the joy be theirs. No caveats, no competition, no critique—just celebration.
Natasha is a seasoned lifestyle journalist and editor based in New York City. Originally from Sydney, during a stellar two-decade career, she has reported on the latest lifestyle news and trends for major media brands including Elle and Grazia.
