Stop Saying These Things, You Sound Like You Lack Basic Decency

We all have those moments when the words that tumble out of our mouths seem to betray our best intentions. It’s not just about saying the right thing; it’s about saying things that resonate with respect, empathy, and understanding. Here are 13 expressions that undermine your decency, and it’s high time to retire them from your vocabulary. Let’s make our conversations both meaningful and mindful.

1. “It’s Not Really My Problem.”

Dismissing issues with “It’s not my problem” is a stark declaration of disinterest and detachment. It reveals a lack of investment in communal or relational responsibilities, signaling an unwillingness to engage with the world beyond your immediate concerns. This phrase can foster resentment and alienation, undermining trust and cooperation. In a connected world, problems are often shared, whether we acknowledge it or not.

Instead, consider how you might contribute to a solution, even if it’s not directly your responsibility. Say, “I see it’s affecting you; how can I support you in this?” or “Let’s see if we can find someone who can help.” These responses foster a sense of community and collective effort, showing that you value the relationship and the well-being of those around you. Compassion and collaboration can transform “not my problem” into a shared journey towards resolution.

2. “You Need To Get Over It.”

“Get over it” is a command that belittles the significance of someone else’s experience or emotions. It suggests that their feelings are a nuisance to be swept aside, rather than a genuine experience deserving of empathy. This phrase is dismissive and demoralizing, closing the door to understanding and reconciliation. It signals a lack of compassion and unwillingness to engage with the complexities of human emotion.

Approach these situations with curiosity and empathy instead. You might ask, “What about this is bothering you?” or “How can I help you move past this?” These questions open a dialogue, allowing for deeper understanding and connection. Empathy paves the way for healing and growth, while dismissal only breeds resentment and distance.

3. “I’m Just Trying To Be Honest.”

Honesty is undeniably a virtue, but wielding it like a sword can quickly turn it into a vice. When you preface a statement with “I’m just being honest,” it often serves as a shield for rudeness. It implies that the painful truth you’re about to speak is necessary and unquestionable. The reality is, not every thought needs to be voiced, and some truths are better left unsaid.

Consider the motivation behind your words. Is your honesty aimed at helping the other person, or is it more about unburdening yourself at their expense? Replace this phrase with questions that invite dialogue and understanding. You’ll likely find that your relationships flourish when honesty is tempered with empathy and tact.

4. “I Don’t Mean To Be Rude, But…”

This is the verbal equivalent of throwing a grenade while ducking for cover. By declaring that you don’t mean to be rude, you acknowledge that rudeness is exactly where you’re headed. It’s a preemptive apology that fails to take responsibility for the impact of your words. Language expert Gretchen McCulloch notes that such phrases are often used to distance oneself from the social faux pas they’re about to commit.

Instead of this ill-fated disclaimer, pause and consider how you can express your thoughts without collateral damage. Perhaps rephrase your statement as a question, or simply soften the delivery. You might be surprised by how much more effective your communication becomes when it’s couched in kindness. Plus, you’ll avoid the awkwardness of having to backtrack when the grenade inevitably explodes.

5. “You Need To Calm Down.”

Few things are more infuriating than being told to “calm down” when you’re in the midst of expressing strong emotions. It’s a dismissive command that invalidates the feelings of the person you’re addressing, often escalating the situation rather than defusing it. In telling someone to “calm down,” you’re essentially saying their emotions are inconvenient and unwarranted. It’s a phrase that can signal a lack of empathy and understanding.

Instead of this dismissive directive, try acknowledging their feelings and offering support. You might say, “I see you’re upset; how can I help?” or “Let’s take a moment to figure this out together.” These responses validate the person’s emotions and open the door to constructive dialogue. Empathy can be a balm for raw emotions, while dismissive commands only pour fuel on the fire.

6. “That’s Just How I Am.”

Hiding behind the shield of “That’s just how I am” is a surefire way to shut down any possibility for growth or change. This phrase implies an unwillingness to reflect or adapt, serving as a stubborn refusal to acknowledge one’s impact on others. According to psychologist Carol Dweck, maintaining a “fixed mindset” inhibits personal development and damages relationships. By clinging to this phrase, you limit not only yourself but also your interactions with those around you.

Embrace a more dynamic approach by embracing the potential for change. Instead of asserting that your personality is set in stone, express a willingness to grow. Saying “I know this is something I need to work on” or “I’m trying to be more aware of that” invites patience and understanding from others. In doing so, you’ll build connections rooted in mutual respect and the shared journey of self-improvement.

7. “Whatever.”

The word “whatever” is the quintessential conversation killer. It signals a complete disinterest in engaging further, dismissing the other person’s perspective with chilling indifference. When you utter “whatever,” you shut down the possibility of meaningful dialogue and leave the other person feeling invalidated. It’s a dangerously effective way to communicate that you simply don’t care.

Instead of resorting to this apathetic retort, consider why you’re disengaging in the first place. Maybe the conversation has hit a dead end, or perhaps emotions are running high. Communicate your feelings in a way that leaves room for resolution, such as “Can we revisit this later?” or “I need a moment to think this over.” Opening the door to further discussion shows that you value the relationship, even when the going gets tough.

8. “I Don’t Have Time For This.”

When you declare “I don’t have time for this,” it sends a clear message that the matter is beneath your interest or importance. This dismissive stance can belittle the concerns of others, suggesting that their problems are trivial compared to your own. It’s a phrase that terminates conversations and relationships alike, leaving others feeling unheard and undervalued. In a world where time is a precious commodity, consider how you allocate yours.

Instead of outright dismissal, communicate your limits in a way that maintains respect. You can say, “I’m swamped right now; can we schedule a time to discuss this?” or “I want to give this my full attention, but I can’t at the moment.” These responses acknowledge the importance of the issue while still setting boundaries. By showing that you value both your time and their concerns, you nurture a culture of mutual respect.

9. “You Always…” or “You Never…”

Blanket statements like “You always” or “You never” are rhetorical traps that obliterate nuance and inflame tensions. When you resort to such absolutes, you leave no room for the complexity of human behavior or the possibility of change. These hyperbolic phrases suggest that you’re more interested in winning an argument than finding a solution. They act as conversation enders, provoking defensiveness and shutting down productive dialogue.

Break this pattern by addressing the specific behavior or action at hand. Say something like, “I’ve noticed in recent situations you did X” or “In this instance, I felt Y.” These statements focus on particular moments, leaving space for understanding and growth. By addressing specifics, you foster a more inclusive and solution-oriented discussion. The path to resolution lies not in blame, but in the pursuit of understanding.

10. “I’m Sorry, But…”

The moment you tack on a “but” to an apology, you effectively erase it. Instead of taking responsibility, you’re offering an excuse or justification for your actions. This phrase is apology-lite, lacking the sincerity needed to mend fences and move forward. It’s a defensive maneuver that shifts focus away from repair and towards self-preservation.

Genuine apologies require full stops, not commas. A sincere “I’m sorry” stands on its own, leaving room for reflection and growth. Follow it up with, “What can I do to make it right?” or “I understand how that made you feel.” These additions show a commitment to understanding and repairing the damage, ensuring your apology rings true. Let your sincerity pave the way for healing and reconciliation.

11. “Just Relax.”

Telling someone to “just relax” when they’re clearly anything but is a recipe for disaster. It invalidates their feelings and implies that their emotional state is exaggerated or unwarranted. This phrase often backfires, escalating tension rather than alleviating it. It’s a dismissive directive that lacks the empathy and understanding needed to truly support someone in distress.

Instead, offer genuine support and understanding. Acknowledge their emotions with “I can see you’re upset; how can I support you?” or “Let’s take a step back and work through this together.” These responses show that you’re present, engaged, and willing to help, creating a safe space for the other person to express their feelings. By offering validation and support, you become a calming presence rather than an aggravating one.

12. “No Offense, But…”

Every time you start a sentence with “No offense, but,” you’re essentially giving yourself a free pass to say something offensive. It’s a linguistic buffer that does nothing to soften the blow; instead, it highlights the insult you’re about to deliver. This phrase is a masterful exercise in passive aggression, leaving your listener bracing for impact. According to sociolinguist Deborah Tannen, such phrases can erode trust and build a wall of defensiveness in conversations.

If your intention is to provide constructive criticism or honest feedback, ditch the preamble and opt for direct, thoughtful language. Imagine how much more effective it is to say, “I see it differently because…” or simply “Have you considered…?”. Your message will still get through, minus the defensive posture. In a world where words can heal or harm, choose the ones that build bridges instead of barriers.

13. “Must Be Nice.”

The phrase “Must be nice” drips with sarcasm and envy, casting a shadow over genuine joy or success experienced by others. It’s a verbal eye-roll that betrays an underlying sense of resentment, leaving no room for celebration or connection. Social psychologist Dr. Susan Fiske’s research on envy reveals that such responses can strain social bonds and breed isolation. When you downplay someone else’s happiness, you miss the chance to strengthen your relationship through shared joy.

Instead of festering in envy, challenge yourself to express genuine happiness for others. Say “I’m so glad for you” or “You deserve it” to foster positivity and camaraderie. Celebrating others’ successes doesn’t diminish your own; it enriches your relationships and broadens your emotional capacity. Transform envy into empathy, and you’ll find that joy is infectious.