Grieving is a difficult journey, and sometimes, well-meaning comments can inadvertently make it harder. While you might want to offer comfort, it’s essential to be mindful of how your words might be received. Though you can’t take away their pain, you can avoid unintentionally adding to it. Here’s a list of things you should probably stop saying to people who are grieving.
1. “They’re In A Better Place.”
It might seem comforting to think of loved ones in a peaceful afterlife, but grief isn’t about where they are—it’s about the loss. This statement can feel dismissive of the deep pain and emptiness left behind. Instead, focus on the person who’s grieving and acknowledge their feelings. According to grief expert David Kessler, acknowledging the pain helps the grieving process more than any platitudes about the deceased’s whereabouts. Let them guide what they want to believe or think about where their loved one might be.
Grieving people might not be ready to reconcile with the idea that their loved one is in a better place when they just wish they were still here. Everyone’s beliefs about the afterlife differ, and it’s not a universal comfort. Instead of offering your perspective, lend an ear for them to share their thoughts. A simple “I’m sorry for your loss” often goes further than speculative comfort. Respect their emotional journey, which may not align with traditional comforting phrases.
2. “I Know How You Feel.”
Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, everyone’s grief is unique. Saying you know how someone feels can come off as invalidating. It shifts the focus from their grief to your experience, which might not be what they need. The truth is, you can never fully grasp what someone else is going through, and pretending to can hinder genuine empathy. Instead, use this opportunity to let them open up about their specific feelings and experiences.
While you might intend to create a connection, it’s better to simply acknowledge that they’re going through a tough time. Try asking open-ended questions that allow them to express their feelings. It’s more supportive to say, “I’m here for you and ready to listen,” than to assume you understand. People need space to narrate their unique stories of loss and pain. Create an environment where they feel comfortable sharing, without the pressure of comparison.
3. “At Least They Lived A Long Life.”
While longevity is a blessing, it doesn’t negate the pain of loss. Grief can be just as intense after a long life as it is after a short one. Harvard Medical School’s Dr. James A. Tulsky notes that acknowledging the bereaved person’s emotions, rather than focusing on the deceased’s age, helps provide genuine comfort. Everyone deserves the freedom to mourn, regardless of how long or short their loved one’s life was. Grieving isn’t a comparison game; it’s about the void left behind.
Saying someone lived a long life can unintentionally suggest they shouldn’t be mourned as deeply. This statement can be particularly painful if their quality of life was compromised towards the end. Instead of focusing on the age or length of life, try reflecting on fond memories or the positive impact they had. Celebrate their life, but don’t undermine the pain of their absence. Mourning is about honoring the bonds, not just the years.
4. “Be Strong.”
The expectation to “be strong” puts unnecessary pressure on someone who’s already navigating a difficult emotional landscape. Grieving people often feel like they’re on an emotional rollercoaster, and being told to be strong can make them feel like they’re failing if they show vulnerability. It’s okay for people to feel weak, lost, or overwhelmed, and giving them permission to do so can be a huge relief. Instead of emphasizing strength, offer your unwavering support.
Strength isn’t about suppressing grief; it’s about confronting it, which can be messy and unpredictable. Encourage them to express their emotions, whether through talking, writing, or another form of release. Avoid equating strength with stoicism or silence. Let them know that you’re there for them, regardless of how they choose to grieve. Often, the mere presence of a supportive friend can be a source of strength in itself.
5. “Everything Happens For A Reason.”
This phrase can feel like salt in the wound to someone deep in grief. When people are hurting, they’re not looking for explanations or reasons—it’s the absence and pain that consume them. A study published by Dr. Janice Kiecolt-Glaser found that grief affects people on both psychological and physiological levels, making such statements potentially more harmful. Offering this kind of reasoning can be dismissive and make people feel as if they shouldn’t be grieving. Instead, focus on being present and offering a listening ear.
Life’s unpredictability often brings more questions than answers, especially in times of loss. Suggesting that there’s a reason behind their pain can feel patronizing. It’s more comforting to acknowledge their pain and offer support without trying to justify the loss. Grief is a personal journey, and everyone moves through it differently. Be there to support their path, without trying to map it out for them.
6. “Time Heals All Wounds.”
The passage of time can indeed help soften grief, but it doesn’t erase it. Grief is a complex process that ebbs and flows, and time alone isn’t a magical cure. This statement can make grieving people feel pressured to “get over it” within an expected timeframe. Healing is a personal journey, and everyone moves at their own pace. A more supportive approach is to reassure them that it’s okay to take as much time as they need to process their emotions.
Instead of offering timelines, you can gently remind them of your ongoing support. Let them know you’re there, whether it’s been a month, a year, or more since their loss. Focus on being present in the moment, rather than projecting into the future. People need to feel like their grief is legitimate, no matter how prolonged it might be. Acknowledge that while time may ease certain aspects of grief, their feelings are valid whenever they arise.
7. “They Wouldn’t Want You To Be Sad.”
While it’s true that most loved ones would want us to find happiness again, feeling sad is a natural part of grieving. Psychologist Dr. Robert Neimeyer points out that grief is an extension of love, and sadness is a reflection of the depth of that bond. Telling someone not to be sad can invalidate their feelings and suggest they should suppress their emotions. Instead, allow them to feel whatever they need to feel without judgment. Grieving is about expressing love and loss, not adhering to what we imagine the deceased would want.
Suggesting that the deceased wouldn’t want them to be sad might unintentionally instill guilt. People might feel as though they’re letting their loved ones down by grieving. Instead, remind them that it’s normal to feel sad and that you’re there to support them through those feelings. Encourage open expression and remind them that it’s okay to miss their loved one deeply. Emotions are complex, and it’s important they know they have the space to experience them fully.
8. “You Have To Try To Move On.”
Grief doesn’t have a set timeline, and the idea of “moving on” can feel dismissive and harsh. This phrase implies that there is a time limit on grief, which couldn’t be further from the truth. People need to process their loss in their own time and way. Grieving isn’t about forgetting or moving past someone; it’s about finding a new way to live with their absence. A more supportive message would be to reassure them that you’ll be there for them, no matter how their journey unfolds.
Instead of urging them to move on, encourage them to move through their feelings. Grief is a process of adaptation, and each person’s path is unique. Respect their pace and offer your unwavering support as they navigate this difficult time. People often need permission to grieve in their own way, rather than following societal expectations. Let them know that they are allowed to cherish the memories while still finding a new normal.
9. “Try To Stay Positive.”
While positivity can be a great tool, grief is not something you can simply “think” your way out of. Emotions need to be felt and processed, not overshadowed by forced positivity. Telling someone to think positively can make them feel like their grief is a problem to be fixed. In reality, grieving is an essential part of healing. Encourage them to honor their feelings and remind them that it’s okay to not always feel okay.
Positivity can be powerful, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of suppressing true emotions. Allow grieving people the space to feel their sadness, anger, or whatever else may come up. Instead of pushing positivity, offer empathy and a listening ear. Let them know that you’re there for them, regardless of whether they’re having a good or bad day. Grieving isn’t linear, and acknowledging that complexity can be a source of comfort.
10. “You’ll Get Over It.”
Getting over a loss isn’t the goal of grieving; it’s about learning to live with the absence. This phrase suggests that there’s a set endpoint to grief, which doesn’t align with most people’s experiences. Instead of telling someone they’ll get over it, recognize that they might never fully “get over” their loss. This is about carrying memories forward and integrating the absence into a new way of living. Acknowledge their pain without trying to rush them through it.
Rather than suggesting a future devoid of grief, support the present moment. Let them know that it’s okay to feel the way they do, no matter how long it’s been. The process of grieving is deeply personal and can’t be measured by conventional standards. Emphasize the importance of self-compassion and patience. By supporting them at their own pace, you help them find a way to balance the pain with the love they still feel.
11. “They’re With God Now.”
Not everyone shares the same religious beliefs, and assuming so can alienate or upset a grieving person. This statement can feel dismissive to those who don’t subscribe to the same spiritual views. It’s essential to be sensitive to their beliefs, or lack thereof, when offering comfort. People need support that’s aligned with their personal values and beliefs. Instead of making assumptions, focus on shared experiences or fond memories of the deceased.
If you aren’t sure about their beliefs, it’s better to focus on the human elements of grief. Offer your presence and empathy without intertwining religious or spiritual assumptions. This way, you respect their worldviews and provide comfort without overstepping boundaries. By acknowledging the complexity of their grief, you offer a more genuine and meaningful form of support. Remember, the goal is to provide solace, not doctrine.
12. “You Have To Stay Busy.”
Encouraging someone to stay busy can sometimes come from a good place, but it can also lead to avoidance. Keeping busy might help distract from the pain temporarily, but it doesn’t address the root of grief. Overemphasizing activity can make people feel like they’re doing something wrong if they need time to sit with their feelings. Instead, encourage them to find a balance between activity and rest. Grieving requires both outward distractions and inward reflection.
It’s important to let grieving people decide how they spend their time. Staying busy isn’t a substitute for processing emotions, and sometimes, stillness is what they need most. Encourage self-care and be supportive, whether they’re choosing to be active or introspective. Offer to participate in activities that align with their current mood, but don’t push them into action. Respect their need for solitude or company, depending on what feels right for them.
13. “It’s Part Of God’s Plan.”
This is another statement that assumes shared religious beliefs and can come off as dismissive. Even those with strong faith might struggle with the idea that their loss was part of a divine plan. Suggesting that their pain is intentional can lead to feelings of confusion and anger. Instead of offering theological explanations, focus on the emotional support you can provide. Grief is deeply personal, and everyone processes it differently.
If you’re not sure about their beliefs, it’s better to offer neutral support. You can acknowledge the difficulty of the situation and express your sorrow for their loss. This approach respects their individual journey and doesn’t impose your worldview. Offer empathy and a comforting presence, not explanations that might not resonate. In doing so, you create a space where they feel supported, regardless of their beliefs.
