13 Things You Should Never Say To Someone Who’s Already Ashamed

When someone is already feeling ashamed, knowing what to say—or more importantly, what not to say—can make all the difference. Shame is a heavy emotion, and the wrong words can amplify it. If you want to be supportive and empathetic, tread carefully. Here are 13 things you should never say to someone who’s already feeling this way.

1. “You Have A Pattern Of This Behavior.”

Labeling someone with a pattern of behavior is not only unhelpful but also unfair. It implies that they’re incapable of change or growth. This kind of language can make them feel boxed in and hopeless, which is the last thing someone feeling ashamed needs.

Instead, focus on the current situation. Discuss how the situation at hand might be different from past experiences. Use positive reinforcement to encourage change without making them feel trapped by their past actions. This empowers them to view their mistakes as isolated incidents rather than defining traits.

2. “Why Would You Even Do That?”

This question comes off as accusatory and assumes incompetence or poor judgment. Instead of fostering a space for understanding, it creates defensiveness and pushes the person away. It implies that they should have known better, which only deepens their shame.

The aim should be to understand, not to judge. If you’re genuinely curious about their actions, frame your questions gently. Try saying something like, “Can you help me understand your perspective?” This way, you facilitate a dialogue instead of shutting it down.

3. “Stop, It’s Not That Bad.”

Minimizing someone’s feelings is a quick way to erode trust. When you say, “At least it’s not that bad,” you might think you’re offering perspective, but you’re really invalidating their experience. According to psychologist Brené Brown, shaming phrases can intensify feelings of inadequacy by suggesting their emotions aren’t valid. Instead, acknowledge their feelings and offer a listening ear.

The key is to be present and non-judgmental. Remember, what might seem minor to you could be monumental to them. By opening up space to talk, you allow them to process their emotions without fear of being belittled. Sometimes, just being there is more valuable than anything you could say.

4. “You’re Overreacting.”

Telling someone they’re overreacting dismisses their feelings outright. This phrase suggests they should control their emotions better, which can be incredibly invalidating. A study by the American Psychological Association found that emotional invalidation can lead to increased levels of stress and anxiety. Instead, acknowledge their feelings, even if you don’t fully understand them.

Practice empathy by putting yourself in their shoes. Ask questions to better understand their state of mind, like “What’s making you feel this way?” This approach fosters a supportive environment where they feel safe to express themselves. Remember, it’s not about agreeing with them—it’s about being there for them.

5. “You Should Have Known Better.”

This phrase is essentially a direct attack on someone’s judgment and intelligence. If someone is already feeling ashamed, pointing out their perceived lack of foresight only deepens that shame. It also implies that the mistake defines them, which isn’t helpful or true.

Instead, focus on what can be learned from the situation. Ask them what they think went wrong and how they might approach things differently next time. This shifts the focus from blame to growth. Encourage them to see this as a learning opportunity rather than a failure.

6. “I Told You So.”

Nothing adds insult to injury like an “I told you so.” This phrase isn’t just unsupportive—it’s smug and self-serving. According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, using such phrases can erode trust and communication in relationships. When someone’s down, rubbing salt in the wound helps no one.

Instead of making it about you, make it about them. Show empathy by expressing your concern for how they’re feeling. Acknowledge their experience and offer help. This approach strengthens your relationship and shows them they’re not alone.

7. “Get Over It.”

Telling someone to “get over it” is dismissive and invalidates their emotions entirely. It’s a quick way to show that you aren’t willing to engage with their feelings. According to therapist Amy Morin, acknowledging feelings is crucial for emotional healing. By brushing off their concerns, you’re essentially shutting down any chance for meaningful conversation.

Instead, offer support in a way that acknowledges their feelings. Use language that communicates understanding and compassion. Say something like, “I can see this is really affecting you. How can I help?” This approach makes them feel valued and heard.

8. “Is It Really That Big Of A Deal?”

What may not seem like a big deal to you could be significant to someone else. This phrase trivializes their experience and emotions, making them feel small. It implies that they’re making a mountain out of a molehill, which only adds to their shame.

Instead, try to understand why it feels like a big deal to them. Ask open-ended questions that allow them to express their perspective. By doing this, you validate their feelings and open the door to meaningful dialogue. In the end, it’s about showing empathy and understanding.

9. “People Make Mistakes.”

While technically true, saying “everyone makes mistakes” can feel dismissive to someone already feeling shame. They may interpret this as you brushing off their feelings as trivial. It can also sound like you’re glossing over their unique situation, which can leave them feeling misunderstood.

A more supportive approach is to acknowledge the mistake while also focusing on the path forward. Ask how you can support them in moving past the situation. This shows that you’re willing to help, not just offer platitudes. It reinforces the idea that while mistakes happen, they don’t define us.

10. “You’re Fine.”

This phrase is meant to reassure, but often misses the mark. Telling someone they’re “fine” when they don’t feel fine can feel dismissive. It ignores the complexity of emotions involved in feeling ashamed. The person may feel like they must downplay their emotions to fit your narrative.

Instead, offer reassurance that acknowledges their feelings. Say something like, “It’s okay to feel this way. I’m here for you.” This reassures them without undermining the validity of their emotions. Remember, it’s about being supportive, not dismissive.

11. “You’re Being Silly.”

Diminishing someone’s feelings by labeling them as “silly” is patronizing and dismissive. It suggests that their emotions aren’t worthy of serious consideration. This can make them feel even more isolated and misunderstood. Instead of fostering connection, it puts up a barrier.

A better approach is to validate their feelings, even if you don’t understand them. Ask open-ended questions to better grasp their perspective. Show that you’re willing to listen and engage with their emotions. This creates a supportive environment where they feel safe to open up.

12. “It’s All Your Fault.”

Assigning blame is a surefire way to deepen someone’s shame. When someone’s already feeling low, confirming their worst fears about themselves can be incredibly damaging. It does nothing to help them move past their current feelings and can leave lasting emotional scars.

Instead, focus on problem-solving and support. Ask how you can help them move forward and what they need to feel better. This approach shifts the focus from blame to healing. It empowers them to take positive steps without feeling burdened by guilt.

13. “Just Move On.”

Moving on is easier said than done, especially when someone is feeling ashamed. Telling them to “just move on” minimizes the complexity of their emotions. It suggests that their feelings are a burden rather than something worthy of exploration.

Instead, encourage them to process their emotions at their own pace. Offer your support and understanding as they navigate their feelings. Show patience and empathy, reassuring them that they’re not alone in this process. By doing this, you help them move forward in a healthy, supported way.