13 Clues You Might Be The Backup Friend

If you’ve ever felt like a second thought, you’re not alone. We’ve all been there, wondering if our friendships are as genuine as we hope. Sometimes, you can’t help but wonder if you’re the backup friend—the one who gets a call when plans fall through or when someone else can’t make it. Here’s how to tell if you’re playing second fiddle in your social circle.

1. Your Invitations Arrive Last-Minute

You notice that most of your invites arrive on short notice. Plans seem spontaneous, but it almost feels as though you’re filling a slot someone else canceled. This might be a pattern and, according to Alex Williams, a sociologist at the University of Kansas, these last-minute calls might indicate you’re not the first choice for plans. You may sense that you’re the emergency contact in your friend’s social life. That’s okay sometimes, but if it happens frequently, it’s worth reflecting on.

If you’re always the one called up for spur-of-the-moment plans, consider how this affects your own schedule. You might appreciate the spontaneity, but it’s important to question whether you’re getting the same energy in return. If you see this happening often, it might be a sign to have a conversation with your friend. You deserve to feel appreciated and prioritized. It doesn’t mean cutting ties; it might mean setting boundaries or seeking clarity.

2. Their Other Friends Are Always Mentioned

Conversations often involve stories about their other friends, with you functioning as a sympathetic listener. You might not have met these people, yet you know about their lives in detail. If someone continually references other friends, it might make you feel sidelined. Your company might feel like a placeholder until someone else comes along. This can be frustrating and leave you feeling like an outsider in your own circle.

However, it’s essential to consider their perspective as well. Maybe they think you’re genuinely interested in hearing about these stories. It could be worth mentioning how it makes you feel when they talk more about others than you. Remember, friendship is a two-way street, and open communication can often resolve these feelings. If things don’t change, it might be time to reassess the dynamic.

3. You Hear About Events After They Happen

It’s always awkward when you learn about an event after seeing the photos on social media. If you consistently discover things this way, it may be a sign. Communication researcher Dr. Nancy Baym suggests that consistent exclusion can indicate a less-than-balanced friendship. It’s not just about missing out; it’s about feeling forgotten or overlooked. Your friends might not realize the impact, so it could be helpful to bring it up.

When this happens often, it’s natural to feel hurt. You should feel included and valued, not just when it’s convenient. Consider discussing how this makes you feel to your friends, as they might not be aware. Friendship is about being present, and if that isn’t happening, you deserve to know why. Prioritize friendships where you feel included, not just informed after the fact.

4. You’re The Emotional Crutch, But It’s Not Mutual

Being the go-to for emotional support is a strength, but if it’s one-sided, it might be unbalanced. You find yourself listening and advising, but when the tables turn, they’re nowhere to be found. You should feel supported too, not just relied upon when times are tough. If their problems take precedence over yours, it’s worth examining the friendship’s equilibrium. Emotional labor should be shared, not shouldered alone.

It’s crucial to have mutual support in a friendship. You should be able to share your burdens just as freely. Consider if your friend reciprocates when you need them. If not, it might be time to address this imbalance. Friendships should be about give and take, not just giving.

5. Conversations Feel Surface-Level

Ever feel like you’re talking but not connecting? When conversations are all small talk and no substance, it can be a red flag. Psychology expert Dr. Susan Krauss suggests that meaningful communication is key to lasting friendships. If your interactions lack depth, it might indicate they don’t prioritize building a deeper bond. You deserve friendships where you feel truly understood and engaged.

Surface-level conversations can leave you feeling like a colleague rather than a confidant. You should feel comfortable diving deeper into meaningful topics. If you find your friend avoiding real talk, it could be a sign they don’t value the same level of intimacy you do. It’s worth considering how important this is to you and discussing it if needed. Friendships thrive on meaningful dialogue, not just casual exchanges.

6. Your Availability Is Always Questioned

Being asked about your availability more than your interests might hint at a transactional friendship. It’s like your time is being filled out on a calendar rather than appreciated. If it feels like they’re checking you off a list, it might be because that’s exactly what’s happening. A friendship should be about more than convenience. You deserve to be more than a backup plan.

If they’re always checking your schedule but not your well-being, it’s worth noting. Genuine friends care about your interests and needs, not just whether you’re free. This dynamic can make you feel undervalued. Friendships should be about connection, not just coordination. If this pattern persists, it might be time to voice your feelings.

7. Social Media Tells A Different Story

When your friend’s online life seems packed with events you weren’t invited to, it’s easy to feel left out. You might wonder why you didn’t make the cut when it seems like everyone else did. According to Dr. Erin Vogel, a social psychologist, seeing these discrepancies can significantly impact your sense of belonging. Social media can highlight these differences, making them harder to ignore. It doesn’t mean your friendship isn’t valid, but it might need reevaluating.

Social media can often paint an incomplete picture, but it’s worth considering if you consistently notice this pattern. You deserve to feel as included in real life as you are online. Reflect on whether this is a one-off or a recurring theme. If it’s the latter, discuss it with your friend. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve a friendship that reflects them.

8. You’re The Planner, But Not The Participant

If you’re always the one arranging get-togethers and rarely part of their plans, it might be worth a thought. You’re putting in the effort, yet it feels like you’re always the driving force behind the meet-ups. When the effort isn’t reciprocated, it can feel like your presence is more of an obligation than a desire. A friendship should be a team effort, not a solo mission. It’s okay to want collaboration in your social life.

Being the planner can sometimes feel fulfilling, but it shouldn’t always fall on you. If you find yourself doing all the arranging, it’s time to evaluate your friendships. You deserve to feel wanted, not just organized. Open up a dialogue with your friends about sharing the effort. Friendships should have balanced contributions from all involved.

9. They Share More With Others Than With You

Finding out your friend shared news with others before you can feel like a punch to the gut. It’s not just about being left out; it’s about recognizing that your relationship might not be as close as you thought. If you’re consistently the last to know, it could indicate your role in your friend’s life. Genuine friendships involve sharing milestones and important moments. You deserve to be in the loop, not on the sidelines.

It’s important to feel trusted and valued in a friendship. If you’re not hearing about important news firsthand, it’s a sign to reevaluate the relationship. Address this feeling with your friend and express your desire to know what’s going on. It’s about fostering trust and ensuring that communication flows both ways. You deserve a friend who values your place in their life.

10. Group Outings Feel Like Solo Missions

Ever been to a group outing where you feel more like an observer than a participant? It’s a common experience when you’re the backup friend. Conversations happen around you rather than with you, leaving you feeling like an outsider. This dynamic can make social gatherings feel more like obligations than enjoyable events. It’s not just about attending; it’s about truly being part of the group.

Group outings should be inclusive experiences where everyone feels welcome. If you often feel excluded, it’s time to reassess your role in the group. Communicate your feelings to your friends and see if things shift. If not, you might want to seek out new social circles where you feel more included. Friendship is about connection, not just attendance.

11. Your Suggestions Are Often Overlooked

It’s frustrating when you make suggestions, and they never seem to gain traction. Your ideas might be met with polite nods but rarely any follow-through. This can indicate that your input isn’t valued on the same level as others. When your voice isn’t heard, it’s easy to feel like an afterthought. You deserve to have your suggestions considered and appreciated.

Constructive suggestions and ideas should be welcomed in any friendship. If this isn’t happening, it might be time to have a candid conversation. Explain how it feels when your input is overlooked. A true friend will value your thoughts and consider them seriously. Remember, your voice matters just as much as anyone else’s.

12. You’re Only Important In Their Crisis

Being there for someone in tough times is a hallmark of friendship, but if it’s the only time you’re needed, it can be draining. When you’re just the person they turn to in a crisis, it can feel one-sided. You become the fixer, not the friend, leaving little room for your own needs. Friendship should be about mutual support, not just crisis management. Your role should be more than just a problem solver.

Being a reliable friend is commendable, but your friendship should offer more. If it feels like you’re only called upon in emergencies, assess the balance. Express your desire to be more than just the go-to in bad times. Seek friendships where support flows both ways. You deserve a friendship that values you in all seasons, not just the storms.

13. You’re Always The Plus One, Never The Event

Being invited as an afterthought or a plus one can feel diminishing. It’s as though your presence is more about filling space than truly being wanted. When this happens repeatedly, it might reflect your standing in the friendship. You should feel like an invited guest, not an accessory. True friendships make you feel like a main event, not a supporting act.

It’s important to be valued in your social engagements. If you’re often the add-on rather than the invitee, consider discussing this with your friend. Express your desire to feel more included and appreciated. Acknowledging this feeling can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling friendship. Remember, you deserve to be the main character in your own social life, not just a backup dancer.